| Grim |
[11 28 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dismal |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing |
] |
I know I'm going to have my heart "broken" again, sooner or later. I don't know what I will do when it happens, when my lifeline leaves me.
Not feelin' too hot in the mind lately.
|
|
| I am drunk with lust tonight. |
[11 24 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
I am already failing college and now I feel like I'm doomed.
I also cut my hair a week or two ago. Inches off. I like it.
Other than that and the fact that I can't wake up on time ever, I am A-OKAY.
|
|
| Bahhh |
[10 26 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
I am in a rut.
This is not necessarily a bad thing... it can be a good rut. But it's a rut, nonetheless.
Monday to Friday is school. Don't get me wrong, I like the school and the program... but some of the classes are SO BORING I cannot keep myself awake. One of the classes I can't stand. Mondays are terrible because the weekend fucks up my sleeping schedule and I can't get to sleep and I am going to be late! Maybe I just won't go to english tomorrow...
There are little things wrong in my life. I am so broke. I had $1,100 in August, to pay for the rest of my tuition next August. I currently have $6.02 in my bank account and owe $150.53 on my credit card. I can pay it off on tuesday, but I am going to be broke for the next two weeks. I can't stand being broke, and knowing I have to save $1,100 in a year stresses me out even though I know it isn't THAT hard. I am working three shifts a week, at least two 8 hours and another that is usually 5 - 8 hours long. I will be okay. I WILL BE. STOP STRESSING!!! eerrr
I feel as though I have no real friends aside from my boyfriend. I have a girl friend in my class who asks me to hang out, but she goes downtown on the weekends and her and her friends live in Sackville and one of them always drives home... but I would have to pay for a cab back to Eastern Passage all by myself which would be redic. Brent can drive after midnight this week though, so maybe he will pick me up sometimes.
I have a meeting on November 26th for my stupid adult diversion thing... I can't wait to get that over with. This is the stress in my life.
With bad always comes good though! So it's not too bad. I am still happy as ever with my boyfranddd. I mean, we don't talk on the phone for hours at a time every night now because neither of us really have problems to discuss, and we spend all of our spare time together so there's nothing really that we don't already know. New love is always so exciting, when you settle down into a routine it just doesn't seem nearly as thrilling. However, it doesn't mean the love is any less strong. We have a lot of plans though. As much as I try not to look forward to the future (Before I was looking years ahead, now I only look weeks or months ahead so it's not so bad) I can't help but make plans that I am excited for!
Halloween there may be a party which would be nice... haven't really been to a party since school started. I wanna go for nice fall walks with Brent but his ankle is fucked up so he can't really walk for long :( ... for the winter we planed a lot of stuff too! Starting in November we are going to go Christmas shopping together. I'm going to get some skates and snow pants and we are going to go skating, sledding, and building snow forts and snowmen together. We are going to make a gingerbread house, bake cookies to give to friends for Christmas, make cards for friends and family with neat craft supplies from Micahles, watch old Christmas movies together, and go look at the decorations on the rich peoples houses while listening to Christmas music! I am so very excited for all of that stuff.
Also, I got a pet rat the other day. He is cute. I have to get him a bigger cage though, and I don't really have the money for it at all! So it may have to wait another two weeks... which makes me feel just terrible. BEING POOR SUCKS SO HARD.
|
|
| :( |
[09 22 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
Ugh, haunting dreams. This is the first one. I don't know why I had it... but I wish I hadn't.
I know you're still in there, somewhere. I remember everything. I miss you, a bit.
|
|
| Ya know, school shit. |
[09 11 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nerdy |
] |
It's the first week of school. I like it so far. SO FAR. I know that won't last.
My classes this semester are:
- Intro to Library and Information Retrieval
- Computer Applications I (I challenged and don't have to take/ Database I (end of Oct)
- English Lit
- Acquisitions and Circulatory Procedures (WORST CLASS)
- Descriptive Catalouging I
Three days of the week I am only there for 2 hours.. but I guess that's a nice thing. It's a really super nice school, and it's interesting seeing all of the people there. I just hope I stay motivated (HAHAHA).
|
|
| What's been going on. |
[09 07 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Elliott Smith |
] |
Well, well. There are a ton of things I can write about.... good and bad, but I will try to keep it short-ish.
Quite an ammount of shitty stuff has happened lately, from losing friends to "breaking" hearts. None of it was ment to be. Who would have thought giving an opinion could ruin so much, and get up so many hopes? It is a shame, and it sucks.... but life goes on. I hope someday people will give me a chance to give MY side of the story instead of jumping to conclusions.... but really, right now, it's the least of my concerns because for the first time in quite awhile I am happy.
Jordan and I broke up a few months ago and I was miserable, I think moreso because of the fact I was so used to him being around. We really weren't working out anymore. He has a new girlfriend now, and as much as I still miss him sometimes (just seeing him, not romantically) and as weird as it is to think of... I am happy for him. I hope someday we can be friends and talk again. We talked a bit last night, and even though he was somewhat drunk, it was nice.
To the happy parts! I will start off small.
I got my laptop, which is nice. Right now I am on my deck enjoying the cool breeze and a tea, while on the computer! I am very greatful that my mom and stepdad bought me it. THANKSSS. The cool breeze and the tea... that leads into the fact that fall is almost here! I always get so excited for fall and winter! Today I went swimming, for the last time this summer I assume. I feel like it was kind of the closer for summer. To me, it is fall now. Love it!
I start school on tuesday, though I have mixed feelings about it... I don't really want to have to do the work (being off for a year and a half has spoiled me) but I do want to move on with my life. I think I am ready to start growing up, even a little bit. Also, some of the course I am taking should be interesting. History and literature! I love them. Just the computer shit is going to be boring... but whateva.
Finally, the best part! Though it is not offical... I am pretty much with the person I have wanted to be with for months; my best friend. He is the one who has been with me through everything, no matter what. No matter who was against me or what I did. He is the only person I can tell EVERYTHING to and he understands, and he has never ever betrayed my trust. He knows everythign about me and still cares. He is also very sweet and.. it's just great! Makes me so happy! The only thing holding us back before was that we didn't want friends to stop liking us and to complicate things, but everyone seems to be cool with it. Only time will really tell what happens though.
This has been really long, but I guess I felt the need to document it. I feel as though I am starting a new chapter of my life and I am excited about it. I hope things stay swell, at least for a little while.
|
|
| One of my favorites. |
[08 13 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
I Am Vertical
But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.
Tonight, in the infinitesimal light of the stars,
The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them--
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.
- Sylvia Plath
|
|
| \/\/\/ |
[08 08 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Brand New |
] |
I stopped coming on here because seeing/hearing about people in relationships just hurt.
I realize that as much as I don't ever want anyone else, I want things to be how they have been for the past couple of years... I'm not wanted by him anymore, and never will be.
I have no choice but to move on, or I will live my whole life being miserable.
I think of him all the time, doesn't matter what I'm doing or who I'm with.
I think about how all of my dreams are shattered.
The life I wanted is gone and never will be.
I have no idea what the future holds for me, and it's so scary.
I don't know if I will ever be wanted again... I don't even know if I want to be with anyone else, ever.
I hate to be lonely, but how can you love someone else when your heart is already possessed.. even if it is by someone who doesn't want it?
Such typical livejournal crap to write. Sigh. Sorry.
|
|
| Well Hey... |
[07 12 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Muse |
] |
Maybe karma exists.
Too bad it doesn't.
Because nothing does.
Hahaha.
Seriously? Nothing. Unless it has just gone undiscovered for 19 years.
|
|
| ... |
[06 30 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
suicide silence |
] |
Everything is going wrong all at once.
My relationship of over two years is like walking on eggshells. Anything could destroy it at any moment.
I was arrested and have to go to court in August.
My mom found out that I smoke cigarettes and weed, and drink and is "dissapointed" and acting like it's a big deal. HELLO I AM 19.
FML big time.
I feel like just breaking down and curling up in a ball somewhere dark and alone to just get away from it all.
|
|
| dundundun |
[06 29 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
Really. REALLY.
Things change SO MUCH as time progresses. You think you've done it all, then you realize that you really haven't. Something always comes up.
I don't get life.
I don't get how there is more than one "world" and more than one way we can feel.
WHOA RITE? WHOA
|
|
| Lesson Learned |
[06 11 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
billy talent |
] |
I'm only good for being used nowadays.
|
|
| BTW |
[06 04 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 flyinnnhii |
] |
I need a friend like Elliott Smith.
We'd be the best of friends for real.
|
|
| Jeepers |
[06 02 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
Old habits die hard. New ones... even worse.
My room is constantly a mess. I work less than 20 hours a week now yet when it comes time to go to work I HATE it. I don't know why I don't want to work, because I accomplish nothing. I NEED something to look forward to, yet when I do it either falls through, or just happens and is over. Nothing comes of it.
I feel bad and like I am different, like I'm wasting my life... yet I don't want September to come, I don't want to have to focus on school. I prefer not focusing at all. Oh my.
|
|
| Hey old friend, lj. |
[05 27 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
. |
] |
I wrote more but it was pointless.
I'll sum it up.
No motivation to do anything, at all.
Need books to distract myself, can't bring myself to go to the library.
Can't bring myself to wake up in the morning.
What do you do when your motivation to live is gone?
For the moment, exist.
|
|
| EHHH |
[04 11 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Elliott Smith |
] |
Yesterday was SO FUN, and I don't feel super shitty today. :D
Totally, totally doing that again.
|
|
| Lucky me! |
[03 31 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
I AM SO CAMERA SPOILED LATELY!!!
- Jordan ordered me a fisheye/macro lens for my Nikon d50!
- I ordered myself a Holga 35mm with colorspalsh flash!
- Brent gave me a Sony cyber-shot for my belated Christmas/birthday gift!
I won't be getting the first two for a couple more weeks, but they are ordered!
I also bought myself some dope Nikes today. heh :)
|
|
| :l |
[03 11 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 embarrassed |
] |
I don't get it.
Sometimes I have little bursts of confidence, then I think "what the fuck am I thinking?" and feel like shit.
|
|
| YAYAYA |
[03 08 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bayside |
] |
Being nineteen is great. I had a great birthday. The only pictures I took were on film... but it was good. It was SO WEIRD buying booze and smokes though. SO WEIRD.
:)
|
|
| spew,whocares/ |
[02 27 09] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
I used to love going out alone.
Walking, looking at stuff in stores... I would put in my music and walk for hours.
I always felt like I was invisable, and I liked it. I would be in my own world, just thinking.
Now when I am alone, in public... I feel as if I am anything but invisable. Now I feel like everyone is staring and talking about me, or thinking about me (in a negative way). I don't think I stand out that much... (aside from being huge). I don't even wear my septum down anymore (unless I'm with other people, even then it's not very often). It makes me sad, and nervous and I get shaky and hot.
It's not so bad when I am with other people though. I can walk around with other people, and shop... and I feel completely confident. Maybe it's because I am so used to going out with Jordan all of the time... but it sucks. I can talk to sales people fine, joke with people... I don't know!
Also, I am always tired. I get at LEAST 8 hours of sleep every night. I can NEVER get out of bed willingly. It was never this bad before. I used to get 4 - 6 hours of sleep and be good to go. Now I am always exhausted. Maybe I just need more iron.
|
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